A Moment of Thoughts #2

Here of some thoughts of the past week.

Life, for future reference

When people ask me what my major is, i tell them english. I tell them i want to be a teacher. Its weird though, i hesitate each and every time.  As like every college student i know, i am really unsure about my life and the choices i have made and will make.  I really dont know if English is the right choice for me.  I have taken several english classes and i didnt have too much interest in them. i think that is incredibly bad and depressing. I am pretty sure i still want to be a teacher, there is just this feeling in me that draws me to that profession.  However, i dont think i will make a good teacher. I dont know to much, lets just say i am not very smart. There is just one thing that keeps me driving for this- I want to motivate. I want to teach because i want to motivate people to learn, to write, to be all they can be, to live. I hate to see people waste their lives. I want to be that guy that kids can talk to when they need help, i want to be that guy that inspires kids to succeed. I want to be a teacher, yet the teaching part scares me. What if i cant get through to them, what if i suck. Honestly, how the fuck am i going to teach English if i cant even speak it right. I cant even pronounce "th." That worries me everyday of my life. I just have so much uncertainty and doubt. People tell me i am lucky because i know what i want to do with my life, but i dont know... I have decided though, that i will pick something and stick with it because i dont want to waste time in search of something else, something that i might not ever find. 

I am going to do it.  Even with the sea of uncertanties wading all around, i am still going for it. I am going to teach... for the future. for the kids. for myself. and hopefully for the better.

Mom

I have kind of been a dick to my mom in the last few days. I dont intentionally do it, it just happens. Its just that she has been nagging me a lot , a lot lately and i just cant stand being nagged. So when she asks me questions and stuff, i just grunt. I dont know why i do this. I am sorry mom. Its... just... i reallydont know whats wrong. I promise though, this weekend, i will start to make things better.  I promise.

Open Door, Tradition versus Modernization

This has been something i have always been interested in, Tradition versus modernization. I always debate in my head which one i support more and i have yet to find a solution. Each side is very appealing in its own way. Tradition is something that ignites cultural pride and gives identity. We are nothing without our ancentors. I watch films and read about chinese heroes such as Wong Fei Hong and Huo Yuanjia(its funny how Jet Li plays both characters), and

 just feel so much pride. They gave their lives defending their tradition, their people, and their way of life. When the imperialists nations of the west came, chinese brethren banded together to ward off their influences. China wanted to keep the west out to preserve China, to preserve the past.  Modernization is practical.  As Darwin theorizes, survival of the fittest. We must  evolve to survive. As of today, China is one of the top (if not the top) nation in the world. In the past four decades, they have shifted from third world country to superpower. China owned the olympics. They have skyscrapers popping up every day and their economy is

 booming.  It hurts to say, but this happened because they embraced

 the future. So because of this, i really dont know

 where i stand on this issue. Was Wong Fei Hong and the Boxers right trying to keep the West out? Trying to close the door the west pried open? If China kept their doors closed, it would be a primitive backwards country, no different from those starving third world country you see on t.v.  Yet, their fight (although an evitably losing one) could have kept the ideas of tradition stored in the back of every chinese persons mind. We are not completely apart from the past though.  My family and many other chinese families still have some ancestral culture. Their fight was noble and courageous, but in the end, would keeping the west out been beneficial?

 

i am a chinese american. nonetheless.

A Moment of Thoughts #1

I get mad at myself for not blogging often.  I get mad because i have soo many ideas and feelings that i would love to share, but it just doesnt come out on paper.  It wasnt until recently that i figured out my problem(s). Its my want of perfection and my over eagerness.  I am dying to get straight to the point, but my writer's intuition makes me want to set everything up RIGHT and make sure everything sounds coherent.  When those two characteristics clash, theres a problem. consequently, there's nothing on the page.  If you have ever heard me tell a story, then you would understand.  I am a terrible story teller.  One of my friends made me realize that. I start off shaky, and i try to cram in detail that really doesnt matter, get to a main idea without much notice, hit the climax and end abruptly. By the end of my story, (as in the words of my friend) you will be saying, "Is that it?" Don't get me wrong though, i can write stories and stuff, but that takes me forever. So as i was sitting here (i was suppose to be studying), i thought of a temporary solution. Since i have a bunch of ideas that have no intro/body, i am just going to talk about the ideas/feelings i have without much introduction. I kind of got this format from my friend Connie (keepconstance.blogspot.com) ,so i hope she isnt mad that i ripped her off.  One more thing, when i tell people stuff like stories, they arent actual stories. I just like to mention things that happened to me that i thought was funny. little excerpts that i like to call moments of my life. The following is under the same context, its moment of thoughts. Again, when i do have the inspiration, i will talk further about some of these points. so here are thought from the last several weeks i just couldnt jot down.

Is this it?

Sometimes i sit at my apartment and think to myself, is this it. is this really my life. I always pictured more, more.... more of something. i feel this emptiness. this feelings that there is something missing.  I had this feeling in high school. I loved high school, but i always hoped for college because i hoped for a change. Unfortunately, i feel the same. Now, i hope that graduating will satisfy...

Love doesnt involve fun.

I think that love doesnt require any sort of fun at all. I always reasoned that, you know you are in love when you are bored alongside your lover, and you happily accept it. I know it doesnt make any sense, but let me elaborate. I picture like a couple just sitting at home, one maybe watching t.v. and the other maybe reading a book or doing a crossword. They arent necessarily having fun, but they are just happy to be near each other- they are comfortable enough to allow boredom and not fear anything is wrong with their relationship.  You are most comfortable when you are alone chilling at home. When you are able to feel that comfortability with her/him, then my friend- i think you are in love.

Lonely and Hate it

I feel lonely. I hate being alone. After much consideration and reflection, i have realized a god awful fault about myself. I am very dependent on a girl to make me happy. I know it sounds pathetic, but i cant help it. i just feel so much happier when i receive requited Love.  When i figured this out, i had another thought.  I was crushed when (you know who) left me. I always thought because i really loved her, but i am starting to doubt that. I was torn and broke not because SHE left me, but because i was being left-left alone. This thought came to me after the falling out of the last girl i tried to go for. I fell hard and i fell fast. I pursued her with (a lot of/all) my heart. She was going to be my escape. escape from this vile pit of nothingness. Don't get me wrong thought, I REALLY LIKED HER. but i also love relationships. i love the closeness, the bond. I love holding hands, having to plan dates, letting someone wear my sweater, spilling my feelings, making cards, buying flowers, small pecks on the cheek, saying i miss you even though you will see them pretty soon, late night calls, having someone to share your problems, someone to console or console me, having someone invest time in my interest even though they hate it, and i love, love saying i love you without hesitation or fear.  I love being in love, thats why i hate being lonely.

I woke up with that feeling

The other day, i woke up with that horrible feeling. You know that feeling, right when you open your eyes and think, fuck. Its a miserable and depressing feeling of things NOT getting better. Its the feeling that you went to bed with and hope would go away if you slept.  Its like when i was a kid and broke something. I would hide it somewhere, in a droor or desk at night, and hoped that when i awoke, things would be better. things would be right. But, if you go to bed with a heavy mind and even heavier heart, you are going to wake up exactly the same. I didnt know what to do when my eyes opened, i just tried to sleep more. tried to give things more times to fix itself somehow. things dont work that way though.

Never Give up...

This is my all time favorite quote/line. Its just so simple and so meaningful. But i am starting to lose faith in it. I have run into many situations in my life where i didnt want to give up, although i knew i had already lost. Its like staying on a sinking ship or slow dancing in a burning room. Knowing you are doomed, but still going. yes, it sounds cool and noble, but this is how hearts are broken and lives torn. I wish never wasnt so persistent. never is a forever no. Its hard to keep things forever. I wish this quote gave some leeway, or guidance when situations are in the shitter where  giving up would be the best option. But that would be stupid cause, it wouldnt sound right if it said.... sometimes never give up. 

I bitch a lot

honestly, i bitch waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much. I should try to stop that. Everything sounds so sad with me. I need to stop bitching about shit. When I am drunk, i bitch. When I am high, I bitch. When I am rolling, I bitch. WHAT THE FUCK!?!