Free Write (nonsense)

So i decided that I will have a free write session right now. I am just going to type whatever pops into my brain and not worry about the grammar and punctuation and those other mumble jumble. I know that this is going to sound very confusing and all, but I really dont feel like organizing it under any specific thing right now. I am not in the mood, so here it goes. Whats up? What has been up with me? Lately, as cliche as this sounds, nothing much. Its the god awful truth though. I havent been doing anything. I have taken on a guilty pleasure that I am not too proud of but find very amusing. I have started watching some....brace yourself....dont think less of me...i am not a nerd....anime. Yes I said it! But it just to buy time until I figure something out. Boy, now that is the biggest denial, nonsensical lie. Thats an interesting thing, doing something in the mean time until you figure things out- the act of creating a temporary situation. That is the reasoning people use when they find a temporary job for the mean time and find themselves 20 years later doing the same exact thing. Where am I going with this.... well its not the anime I am angry at... its the idea of doing something until I figure something out. I dont think I am really going to figure anything out. That is what I believe. All my friends are heading back to school soon and winter break hasnt been too great. I admit its been good and somewhat fun, but not really what any of us hoped for. I am not going to be able to figure something out before they leave. I am lazy. I hate it. I hate that age old statement. "Lets do something!" The only real response is "do what" and that is usually retorted back with "anything!"WHAT THE FUCK IS ANYTHING. Nothing seems appealing anymore. everyone wants to do something, but no one knows what. but i dont know why i am using the word "anymore." to be honest, we felt the same way every year of our lives. we just dont remember. we get too lost in the nostalgia to care. anyway i am heading on a tangent.... um. lets go back to the question. How am I? I want to say that I am in a slump, but after much much consideration, reminiscing, and reflecting, I figured out that I always feel this way. I am always bitching about women. I told kevin this. Taking into consideration that this is how I normally am, I must say I feel the normal. I think I should end this cause its turning rather complicated and jumbled, but hey this is a free write. i will probably work on a new years/2008 goodbye in bit, I just wanted to get the juices flowing.

Its Her Christmas

A New Addition
It sits in my living room, constantly getting in the way. People randomly bump and stumble past it. We have to adjust to its presence because the fact of its mere existence is an oddity here. At night, its glow keeps my brother up for hours on end. He sleeps a few feet away in a make-shift room with half high walls that unkindly shields nothing. Throughout the day, it sheds and sheds which forces my mom to periodically sweep its impolite droppings. Its green and fake. A shiny fakeness that could be seen without much consideration. We bought it for 16.99 at Target. It came with pre-hooked ornaments and bright red sashes. Its an interesting thing, its a different thing, its a beautiful thing. I love it.

Something, Something, Something
For the first time in my life, my family has a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree, almost like a white family (joking). James, Wilson, and I got a tree in Long Beach last year and that was great, but something about my family having one is nice. I always get this weird feeling this time of year. I feel like I should be doing something- something festive, something involving red and green, or candy canes, or snowmen or santa claus or... something. I never do though. There isnt much Christmas memories in the archive of my mind. The only one I really remember was this one year when I was either a 6th or 7th grader, my sister and I went to go eat at Olive Garden. It was just us and I wore this grey fuzzy sweater she had gotten for me from Old Navy. That morning, she had woken me up with a present in my face, wrapped with a bow. A present I relentlessly opened and gasped with a surprised awe, although I had knowingly helped her wrap it the day before. She had presents for everyone, she had Christmas for everyone. I remember that Christmas. Years before and after are lost in a blur. Well, there is one more. The first year we moved into our house, we put up Christmas lights that wrapped around the fence. It was simple white lights. My brothers put them up on a whim. Although they tried, it didnt turn out too well. Only half of them lit and the other half lazily sat there. Nonetheless, it was gorgeous. We didnt take those lights down when Christmas was over. We didnt even take it down the year after. To be honest, up until last week, those lights were still clinging to the fence, of course they stopped working years ago. The funny thing is I've lived in this house for about a decade now.

The Spot that Glows
On the rare occasions I leave my room and walk to the kitchen, I catch a glimpse of the tree from the hall way and I am taken in by the awe. Something about that spot that glows makes me feel good.

Daphny's Present
As I said, my family normally doesnt take part in this holiday, but this year and possibly every other year from now will be different. Yes, different a perfect word. Its no wonder why things are different, its all because of my beautifully gorgeous outspoken hyper-active super cute just turned 5 years young niece, DAPHNY. Sometime during last week, Daphny was at our house and playing in the living room. While she was playing, she turned to me and my sister and said

"we should get a chrismas tree"

My sister and I looked at each other, squinted and thought. We then said "sure." My sister loves to spoil her ,so it was a quick decision. To me, it wasnt just spoiling her, it was giving her a childhood, a good one at that. For Daphny, we would do anything and everything. Ever since she came into our lives in 2003, our lives have been brighter. Like the tree that sits in the living room, her presence illuminates our house. Although she wasnt planned, I would never call her an accident. Her existence is a gift to us, a present to my family. Hope and Love delicately wrapped in the same bundle. She gives her dad, my eldest brother, a reason to live and to be a better person. She gives my sister a reason to come home, a reason to stay near. She gives my dad youth. They play and play and he makes his silly faces and noises. She gives my mom someone to worry about again, to simply baby (besides me). And me, she gives me a smile each and every time I see her. And for my family as a whole, she gives us an adorable cutie that we can smother with kisses, hugs, love, care, and goodness. This year, under her wishes, our family bought a tree. Although its the first time my family has a tree, its not actually ours. Its her tree and... its her Christmas. We wanted to give her something to remember. Years from now, I want to be able to say, "hey daphny, remember that one Christmas..." and her to respond "yea, it was almost as good as that other year..." The tree lights up our living room, but she lights up our lives.

This year, this time, things will be interesting.
(pictures coming soon)

Life is (shitty fucking ass wipe butt licker fag cunt turkey juice cum nuts testicles boobies grrrrr...) ok

Hey You... Wait

Im not waiting for you (from what I know). I am waiting though, for the same thing everyone is waiting for, something good, something different, something better.  Better than what we have now. There is just this giant rut that everyone is in- that I have fallen into and just cant escape, no matter how high I jump or how much I claw at the edges.  Everyday we wait, we hope for something, anything to come and just take us away, to change our lives, to simply wake us up. We will always wait because of this dam feeling that burns at the chest, a feeling that come from our very core, that sends shivers down the spine and makes our body, from our toes to our fingers, frail and limp- leaving this unbelievable, unreasonable breathlessness. Sometimes I cant breathe, sometimes I cant think. We wait and wait and wait. Though at the depths of our own conscience, we know we are waiting for nothing. What we want will never come. We know this ,so why do we do it? Why do we wait? Honestly...I think its the only thing thats keeping us alive, keeping me alive.  Waiting gives hope. I dont want to accept that this is it, that this is our lives. Its sad that I reject the present, but its how I cope. Maybe one day (hopefully soon), I will stop waiting and be happy. The day I can say "this is it, this is my life" with a smile, is when the waiting will end.  (As of today, I know my problem. I know why I will  never get what I want- because I want too much)   But this is what I wait for, something better.  I am not waiting for you. I held on to you because you were something good, so obviously good. I saw you as a way out of this hole,  a rope that swung heroically down from the endless sky above. That rope is gone now... and I dont think I am going to spend my days looking to the stars for its return. I am waiting for life...

Shit Happens

This is my second all time favorite saying/quote/life lesson. Its soo simple and easy to understand. Shit happens! Bad, unfortunate things are  a part of life. It is naive to believe that life is full of roses, butterflies, and fucking rainbows.  People are bound to run into trouble every once in awhile (some more than others). Its not about luck or karma or especially you. Never blame yourself for something that cant be avoided. Shit happens! You get into a car accident. Shit Happens! Girlfriend leaves you. Shit Happens!  Family problems. Shit happens! Love one passes away. Shit Happens... Its unfair, but thats life. Shit is going to happen. All you can do is wait for it to end, clean that shit up, flush it away, and carry on with your life.

Midnight Thought (Hidden in Empty Lots)

5a.m. 

so here i find myself again, very very late at night. I should sleep, but I figured it has been a whole week since I have said something soo... (oh yea, the title doesnt really mean anything, just thought it sounded interesting)

Brothers

I just want to note something very interesting. My brothers (both of them) have been extremely nice to me lately, especially the latter brother.  Usually, he keeps to himself and deals with matters that really only concerns him, but recently, he has gone out of his way to help me or do something for me, which is very... touching actually. We have never been close, so this is nice.  I'm not going to bother listing the several incidences of brotherly love because in any other circumstances, in any other persons life, it wouldnt be a big deal- its just in my eye that these things seem so superb.  I dont want to jinx anything (knock on wood, clench rabbits foot, secure my four leaf clover) , but things are starting to piece together for my family- slow, but steady. Maybe because they are getting older, or I am getting older, or cause... just cause. Ill settle for that.

Hmm... I thought I had more. I do... stay tuned.

late night/early morning

3 A.M...

Its three a.m. the day is gone and I dont know where it went. like most days, I did stuff, I drove places, and talked to people- regardless though, the entire day could be summed up in a variation of a few words. nothingness. boredom. unfulfilling. its just wasnt satisfying. I think my problem is I expect too much. I just invest sooo much hope into the weekends that when it comes, it disappoints. I just want to... enjoy, but I dont really know how anymore. Things just seem so bleh.

Obama-Nation

"Although it seems heaven sent, we ain't ready to see a black president."

-Tupac

So what do you know, Tupac was wrong. Obama-nation has begun. I am actually pretty excited about Obama and the following years. I am usually not very swayed by candidates or political mumbo jumbo, but I do have some faith in him and his affirmation of hope and change. We are living in an historic time period, one that will never be forgotten.  As citizens and proprietors of the future, its our obligation to forgo our indifference and act. I am really glad I voted! I can actually imagine(no), see(almost), feel(Yes) a better tomorrow, a better life, a better world. We can get there. Yes we can. Hope and Change =) 

Changes

"Thats just the way it is, things will never be the same."

(its pretty ironic and funny that Tupac can sing a song like "Changes" and then sing a song like "Hit 'em up." )

 

P.S.- It is an outrage that a bill like Prop 8 passed. I personally am indifferent to the lifestyles of others and really dont care what people do. I am against this Prop because I am a strong believer of rights. No matter what anyone says, discrimination is wrong.  People are people regardless of how they live.  Everyone deserves to be married.  Everyone.

A Moment of Thoughts #2

Here of some thoughts of the past week.

Life, for future reference

When people ask me what my major is, i tell them english. I tell them i want to be a teacher. Its weird though, i hesitate each and every time.  As like every college student i know, i am really unsure about my life and the choices i have made and will make.  I really dont know if English is the right choice for me.  I have taken several english classes and i didnt have too much interest in them. i think that is incredibly bad and depressing. I am pretty sure i still want to be a teacher, there is just this feeling in me that draws me to that profession.  However, i dont think i will make a good teacher. I dont know to much, lets just say i am not very smart. There is just one thing that keeps me driving for this- I want to motivate. I want to teach because i want to motivate people to learn, to write, to be all they can be, to live. I hate to see people waste their lives. I want to be that guy that kids can talk to when they need help, i want to be that guy that inspires kids to succeed. I want to be a teacher, yet the teaching part scares me. What if i cant get through to them, what if i suck. Honestly, how the fuck am i going to teach English if i cant even speak it right. I cant even pronounce "th." That worries me everyday of my life. I just have so much uncertainty and doubt. People tell me i am lucky because i know what i want to do with my life, but i dont know... I have decided though, that i will pick something and stick with it because i dont want to waste time in search of something else, something that i might not ever find. 

I am going to do it.  Even with the sea of uncertanties wading all around, i am still going for it. I am going to teach... for the future. for the kids. for myself. and hopefully for the better.

Mom

I have kind of been a dick to my mom in the last few days. I dont intentionally do it, it just happens. Its just that she has been nagging me a lot , a lot lately and i just cant stand being nagged. So when she asks me questions and stuff, i just grunt. I dont know why i do this. I am sorry mom. Its... just... i reallydont know whats wrong. I promise though, this weekend, i will start to make things better.  I promise.

Open Door, Tradition versus Modernization

This has been something i have always been interested in, Tradition versus modernization. I always debate in my head which one i support more and i have yet to find a solution. Each side is very appealing in its own way. Tradition is something that ignites cultural pride and gives identity. We are nothing without our ancentors. I watch films and read about chinese heroes such as Wong Fei Hong and Huo Yuanjia(its funny how Jet Li plays both characters), and

 just feel so much pride. They gave their lives defending their tradition, their people, and their way of life. When the imperialists nations of the west came, chinese brethren banded together to ward off their influences. China wanted to keep the west out to preserve China, to preserve the past.  Modernization is practical.  As Darwin theorizes, survival of the fittest. We must  evolve to survive. As of today, China is one of the top (if not the top) nation in the world. In the past four decades, they have shifted from third world country to superpower. China owned the olympics. They have skyscrapers popping up every day and their economy is

 booming.  It hurts to say, but this happened because they embraced

 the future. So because of this, i really dont know

 where i stand on this issue. Was Wong Fei Hong and the Boxers right trying to keep the West out? Trying to close the door the west pried open? If China kept their doors closed, it would be a primitive backwards country, no different from those starving third world country you see on t.v.  Yet, their fight (although an evitably losing one) could have kept the ideas of tradition stored in the back of every chinese persons mind. We are not completely apart from the past though.  My family and many other chinese families still have some ancestral culture. Their fight was noble and courageous, but in the end, would keeping the west out been beneficial?

 

i am a chinese american. nonetheless.

A Moment of Thoughts #1

I get mad at myself for not blogging often.  I get mad because i have soo many ideas and feelings that i would love to share, but it just doesnt come out on paper.  It wasnt until recently that i figured out my problem(s). Its my want of perfection and my over eagerness.  I am dying to get straight to the point, but my writer's intuition makes me want to set everything up RIGHT and make sure everything sounds coherent.  When those two characteristics clash, theres a problem. consequently, there's nothing on the page.  If you have ever heard me tell a story, then you would understand.  I am a terrible story teller.  One of my friends made me realize that. I start off shaky, and i try to cram in detail that really doesnt matter, get to a main idea without much notice, hit the climax and end abruptly. By the end of my story, (as in the words of my friend) you will be saying, "Is that it?" Don't get me wrong though, i can write stories and stuff, but that takes me forever. So as i was sitting here (i was suppose to be studying), i thought of a temporary solution. Since i have a bunch of ideas that have no intro/body, i am just going to talk about the ideas/feelings i have without much introduction. I kind of got this format from my friend Connie (keepconstance.blogspot.com) ,so i hope she isnt mad that i ripped her off.  One more thing, when i tell people stuff like stories, they arent actual stories. I just like to mention things that happened to me that i thought was funny. little excerpts that i like to call moments of my life. The following is under the same context, its moment of thoughts. Again, when i do have the inspiration, i will talk further about some of these points. so here are thought from the last several weeks i just couldnt jot down.

Is this it?

Sometimes i sit at my apartment and think to myself, is this it. is this really my life. I always pictured more, more.... more of something. i feel this emptiness. this feelings that there is something missing.  I had this feeling in high school. I loved high school, but i always hoped for college because i hoped for a change. Unfortunately, i feel the same. Now, i hope that graduating will satisfy...

Love doesnt involve fun.

I think that love doesnt require any sort of fun at all. I always reasoned that, you know you are in love when you are bored alongside your lover, and you happily accept it. I know it doesnt make any sense, but let me elaborate. I picture like a couple just sitting at home, one maybe watching t.v. and the other maybe reading a book or doing a crossword. They arent necessarily having fun, but they are just happy to be near each other- they are comfortable enough to allow boredom and not fear anything is wrong with their relationship.  You are most comfortable when you are alone chilling at home. When you are able to feel that comfortability with her/him, then my friend- i think you are in love.

Lonely and Hate it

I feel lonely. I hate being alone. After much consideration and reflection, i have realized a god awful fault about myself. I am very dependent on a girl to make me happy. I know it sounds pathetic, but i cant help it. i just feel so much happier when i receive requited Love.  When i figured this out, i had another thought.  I was crushed when (you know who) left me. I always thought because i really loved her, but i am starting to doubt that. I was torn and broke not because SHE left me, but because i was being left-left alone. This thought came to me after the falling out of the last girl i tried to go for. I fell hard and i fell fast. I pursued her with (a lot of/all) my heart. She was going to be my escape. escape from this vile pit of nothingness. Don't get me wrong thought, I REALLY LIKED HER. but i also love relationships. i love the closeness, the bond. I love holding hands, having to plan dates, letting someone wear my sweater, spilling my feelings, making cards, buying flowers, small pecks on the cheek, saying i miss you even though you will see them pretty soon, late night calls, having someone to share your problems, someone to console or console me, having someone invest time in my interest even though they hate it, and i love, love saying i love you without hesitation or fear.  I love being in love, thats why i hate being lonely.

I woke up with that feeling

The other day, i woke up with that horrible feeling. You know that feeling, right when you open your eyes and think, fuck. Its a miserable and depressing feeling of things NOT getting better. Its the feeling that you went to bed with and hope would go away if you slept.  Its like when i was a kid and broke something. I would hide it somewhere, in a droor or desk at night, and hoped that when i awoke, things would be better. things would be right. But, if you go to bed with a heavy mind and even heavier heart, you are going to wake up exactly the same. I didnt know what to do when my eyes opened, i just tried to sleep more. tried to give things more times to fix itself somehow. things dont work that way though.

Never Give up...

This is my all time favorite quote/line. Its just so simple and so meaningful. But i am starting to lose faith in it. I have run into many situations in my life where i didnt want to give up, although i knew i had already lost. Its like staying on a sinking ship or slow dancing in a burning room. Knowing you are doomed, but still going. yes, it sounds cool and noble, but this is how hearts are broken and lives torn. I wish never wasnt so persistent. never is a forever no. Its hard to keep things forever. I wish this quote gave some leeway, or guidance when situations are in the shitter where  giving up would be the best option. But that would be stupid cause, it wouldnt sound right if it said.... sometimes never give up. 

I bitch a lot

honestly, i bitch waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much. I should try to stop that. Everything sounds so sad with me. I need to stop bitching about shit. When I am drunk, i bitch. When I am high, I bitch. When I am rolling, I bitch. WHAT THE FUCK!?!