Moment of Clarity

Let me divulge more about this phenomenon i like to call Moment of Clarity..

its a natural, simultaneous feeling of peacefulness, understanding, and clarity. To be free of thought and unbound by reality.

-As i was saying in the post below, that car crash was an interesting experience. Those few seconds that felt like an eternity cleared my brain of any previous thoughts. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about my family problems, school, my apartment, my lady troubles, anything... I was free from those thoughts that cloud my mind and rain stress. It was all so clear.

-I said "I'm fucked" and accepted it willingly. My eyes never blinked as I strode across the turf and flew within inches of the car. I was certain I was flying toward doom (doom not at death, but as something bad). I was certain. Certainty is a rare commodity. As they say, the only things that are certain are death and taxes. I accepted my fate without hesitation.

-There was so much noise, but I didnt hear a thing. It was quiet and peaceful.

That is what people are looking for in life. Peace and Certainty
I always search for Clarity.

When I go camping this weekend, I am going to try star gazing. I think I could find some there...

Car Crash

I had my first car accident today. I know its weird, but it was a very interesting experience. There should be a billion other words I should use to describe such an incident, but I actually find interesting the most fitting word. I am not angry or sad or anything along those lines. The cost of the damage is the only thing that is bugging me, but situations like that are endless. Money is Money. But the car crash was...odd. (immawrite in thoughts)

hard to explain
everything was slow...
Its a moment where you can see everything
and feel everything, yet you feel so helpless.
Cliche, but those few seconds felt forever
I floated through time
moments happened in frames
it could of been the adrenaline
things just seem so clear
I was flying straight into the car in front of me
flying into my own doom
the interesting part of it, besides the whole slow motion matrix experience
was the certainty of it all. I've never been so certain of anything in my life
Although I was slamming onto the breaks and clutching for dear life at the wheel
I already knew in my head I was... I resolved... I said to myself "I'm fucked"
My brain flat lined; all thoughts were gone.
Although it was a very bleak view, it was true.
I have never accepted something so easily in my life.
The acceptance of the situation, of the impending doom caused some calm in me, some peace
its weird. things were quiet although my music was playing and my tires were screeching.
things seem so clear.
it wasnt until the crash, the physical hit, when I snapped back into reality.
That utterly inevitable fate I was gliding into, that path into certainty
certainty and acceptance-- was beautiful. It was simply... interesting
there are few instances in life that can give you that "moment of clarity"

Sonnets!

Here is my lame sonnet i wrote for my Eng 180 class... it was suppose to be about love.

Cold Nights

I could still remember those quiet, cold nights
We spent snuggled close and hidden from light.
Our legs tangled tight and hands connected
As like lost puzzle pieces perfected.
We lay near, cheek to cheek, heart to heart
So abreast, my love stood ready to start
Your beating heart if it should ever stop.
Because all of you, from bottom to top,
From your beauty to your mind, I adored.
You gave me one kiss. I then gave you four.
That night, I feared it far too soon to say
I would love you from now 'til my last day...
When I recall those nights, There's always tears
Cause those nights and you are no longer here.


this poem is based on a short story i was planning to write, so dont be surprised if a story with the same name comes out...

Haiku!

For my English appreciation class, my teacher made us write a haiku. I wrote this one about a special something/someone...

A haiku needs four parts:
1) 17 syllables over a span of 3 lines consisting of 5-7-5.
2) tell of one of the four seasons
3) involve nature
4) has some sort of thought or idea

I didn't know of the last few rules so I only did step one. so here is my haiku, my lame and I stress lame sonnets will be coming next.

Great Love of Mine

My lips know the taste
Of your soft and lit ends that
take me far and high.


for fun I wrote another one right now...

Afternoon

Shapes and sounds float slow
As I melt pondering the
quiet drifting clouds



can you figure out what im talking about?

Be yourself

My teacher told me something interesting today; He said

"All literature is a struggle to find individuality"

We are in a life long fight against the general, the bunch. We live in conflict against the stereotype.

Everything we do (think, say, love, hate, strive, cry, fail, win, learn, teach... et al) makes us, Us. Our being is idiosyncratic.

Through whatever means. Find individuality. Find Your Voice.

Such a Nerd

As I was sitting here doing my homework, I realized that I have some weird...hobbies? I am not really sure what to classify them as. To quickly note some of these quirks...

1. Lexicons! I have adapted this odd habit of looking up words. My time on the computer usually is split between email, facebook, blogs, and dictionary.com. I like finding new words. (Nerd alert) I have even signed up for this word of the day email. I find it very sad that I look forward to those daily emails. Quite depressing. Despite this, I still feel my vocabulary hasn't grown very much. My memory is terrible. No matter what, Chan can incisively extirpate me in scrabble any day.

(incisive was yesterdays word of the day =) )
*I was reading a xanga of a friend of mine and ran into the word catharsis. Great word! bravo!
catharsis- purging of emotions

In my findings, the word that I discovered to be the most idiotic is felled. As in, I felled the cup.
felled- causing something to fall by force
no matter how many times I say it, it never sounds right.

2. Movie Reviews/Trailers! I dont know why they are so appealing to me. I just really like to read movie reviews. They are just so fascinating. (God I am lame) Also, I am ebullient about movie trailers. They are my favorite part about going out to the movies. Maybe its the marketing schemes behind it and the shortness in length that appeals to my low attention span. Trailers are great because who doesnt want to watch a whole movie in about 2 minutes. You get the best scenes! Also, while i am on this subject, I am fervent about writing a Watchmen analysis/review.

Those are two of my many lame hobbies. Yes yes yes, I am a nerd.

I'm Awkward.

I lose myself in my own insecurities.

The only way I can connect with people is through a mutual understanding. It may be vain/conceited/self-center, but I cant get along/bond with someone unless they get my me- my humor, my corniness, my awkwardness. I am hidden, my personality I mean is cloaked until I feel safe enough to unveil the lame-o that is me. As like all people, I find friends and lovers in the people who get me, who laughs with me. I've said this before in one of my stories "That's all I ever wanted from anyone, understanding of my weird, stupid behaviors."

I always found that my strength,laughter. I never realized it until hard times hit my friends. On separate occasions, my friends had their hearts broken. I am not good with sympathetic words, so I said something stupid- but not something stupid in a bad way. I said something that is inappropriate to some people, that is weird to others. A person that didnt know me would have brushed me away, but not my friends. They giggled, chuckled, a nice guffaw and said," I knew you would be able to make laugh." Before that I never saw things that way. That felt...indescribable. Everyone looks for meaning in their lives and importance. No matter what you do in life, whether you made shit load of money, had a huge family, find your dream job, the most significant thing a person can accomplish is to make a difference in someones life- a positive difference of course. At those words, "I knew you would be able to make me laugh," my eyes opened. I made--scratch that-- I make a difference in people lives. I can comfort them. I can give them support. I can make people happy. I am significant.

I am awkward nonetheless. I am a guy can see something ordinary and make a stupid comment. In some ways I guess you can call me immature. I giggle when I hear things like "come." When I play scrabble I look forward to making words like chode and tit. Andy mentioned he wanted to try grinding and I told him thats disgusting. Of course he was talking about snowboarding, but what can I say- he set himself up. I say stupid jokes because I know they are stupid. Someone once asked me what rating did Pirates of Caribbean get and I quickly cocked my eye, bent my arm to an L, and said in rasby voice "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Get it cause its a pirate movie and its rated r. Wink Wink Nudge Nudge.

Booger. I like to make stupid, ridiculous comments. I like to make people laugh. I hate to be boring. I am useless without my awareness, my comments. If I was put into a white room with nothing in it, I would be boring as hell. I can't stress this enough, I HATE TO BORING. I feel very insecure when the people around me arent having a good time. When giong out and doing stuff, I put people ahead of me. I prefer my friends fun over mine. I try my best...

My weakness, my insecurity is silence. I hate when people dont talk. I cant stand it when I get no response. My friend Thang figured this out back in junior year. Me and him would always mess around in Chem and the teacher hated us. One day, for a reason I dont really remember, Thang decided to take away the "laughter." He had a theory that the class only laughed at my jokes and comments because he laughed. He tested it. I would say something stupid and he would not respond- he just kept quiet and coincidentally no one laughed. After of a few of these, my insecurities beamed and I faltered. When things get quiet, too quiet I get nervous. I shrink and wallow. I get desperate and incoherently talk. Speak. Say whatever just to break that silence. The point of this story isnt to highlight Thangs theory, but to show my kryptonite. Silence to me is like bullets to people. It just kills. People didnt stop laughing because Thang was right but because I got nervous and started rambling. For a minute, I lost myself.

I hate to be boring around the girls I like. I hate to be out of things to say. I hate to feel useless. I'm not sure if its my fault or not though. Conversations require two people right. What am I to do when she stops talking, when she shuts me out. Is it because we dont work together? I know I'm better than this. I know I can show you a good time. This makes me wonder if I was ever boring with my ex. Its hard to tell there because in relationships, silence is usually filled with kissing. So back to current news, what do I do when she gives me silence. I get annoying and I get belligerent. Theres always a flurry of "what are you thinking of" "Are you tired" BLAH BLAH BLAH. FUCK!@$##$@# I am an idiot. I am very awkward when devoid of speech. There was this time when she didnt say anything for a good ten-fifteen minutes and I got so desperate for something to say...so desperate I was actually going to say "so...Obama. How about that?"........... god, I am a loser.

I am lost in silence. I am lost when I cant show someone a good time. I am lost when I feel insignificant. I lose myself in my own insecurities. I'm awkward.

My tummy feels like....ow. (I write while bedridden)

Food Poison (the worst kind of poison)
So you are telling me food is poisonous? But I love food! I really dont know what I ate to make me feel so sick. All I had for dinner yesterday was some rice with chicken. Well it could be from that celery/baby carrots and ranch thing I had after. A part of me did think it was a bit chunky. Also, I am starting to believe that my apartment has become a petri dish of disgust, germs, bacteria, and disease. It is just riddled with unrelenting mess dealt by someone else's hands. While I was washing dishes, I did take a whiff of something foul. That could have possibly sent parasites through my flaring nostrils and into my helpless chiseled body. For whatever reason (either one, none, or all the ones listed), I have been confined to my bed (stomach in agony I might add) eating protein bars I stole from shohei listening to some gloomy deathcab with nothing else to do but write. I do have shit load of reading, but my head keeps spinning...so that is entirely out of the question...so here I write while bedridden in this hell...

I AM A FOOL!
There is not a single moment that passes in a day where I think I am anything short of a fool. I mean I am an idiot. Like an oaf, a retard, simply a FOOL. It is entirely foolish to hang on to someone who doesnt care about you. It is also exceedingly dumb to the one billionth power to clutch with dear life to a person that is in love with someone else. Some things just cant be helped. I know better, but I just want...

wait.....stomach hurts.............................................brb
(ok sigh)