I'm Awkward.

I lose myself in my own insecurities.

The only way I can connect with people is through a mutual understanding. It may be vain/conceited/self-center, but I cant get along/bond with someone unless they get my me- my humor, my corniness, my awkwardness. I am hidden, my personality I mean is cloaked until I feel safe enough to unveil the lame-o that is me. As like all people, I find friends and lovers in the people who get me, who laughs with me. I've said this before in one of my stories "That's all I ever wanted from anyone, understanding of my weird, stupid behaviors."

I always found that my strength,laughter. I never realized it until hard times hit my friends. On separate occasions, my friends had their hearts broken. I am not good with sympathetic words, so I said something stupid- but not something stupid in a bad way. I said something that is inappropriate to some people, that is weird to others. A person that didnt know me would have brushed me away, but not my friends. They giggled, chuckled, a nice guffaw and said," I knew you would be able to make laugh." Before that I never saw things that way. That felt...indescribable. Everyone looks for meaning in their lives and importance. No matter what you do in life, whether you made shit load of money, had a huge family, find your dream job, the most significant thing a person can accomplish is to make a difference in someones life- a positive difference of course. At those words, "I knew you would be able to make me laugh," my eyes opened. I made--scratch that-- I make a difference in people lives. I can comfort them. I can give them support. I can make people happy. I am significant.

I am awkward nonetheless. I am a guy can see something ordinary and make a stupid comment. In some ways I guess you can call me immature. I giggle when I hear things like "come." When I play scrabble I look forward to making words like chode and tit. Andy mentioned he wanted to try grinding and I told him thats disgusting. Of course he was talking about snowboarding, but what can I say- he set himself up. I say stupid jokes because I know they are stupid. Someone once asked me what rating did Pirates of Caribbean get and I quickly cocked my eye, bent my arm to an L, and said in rasby voice "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Get it cause its a pirate movie and its rated r. Wink Wink Nudge Nudge.

Booger. I like to make stupid, ridiculous comments. I like to make people laugh. I hate to be boring. I am useless without my awareness, my comments. If I was put into a white room with nothing in it, I would be boring as hell. I can't stress this enough, I HATE TO BORING. I feel very insecure when the people around me arent having a good time. When giong out and doing stuff, I put people ahead of me. I prefer my friends fun over mine. I try my best...

My weakness, my insecurity is silence. I hate when people dont talk. I cant stand it when I get no response. My friend Thang figured this out back in junior year. Me and him would always mess around in Chem and the teacher hated us. One day, for a reason I dont really remember, Thang decided to take away the "laughter." He had a theory that the class only laughed at my jokes and comments because he laughed. He tested it. I would say something stupid and he would not respond- he just kept quiet and coincidentally no one laughed. After of a few of these, my insecurities beamed and I faltered. When things get quiet, too quiet I get nervous. I shrink and wallow. I get desperate and incoherently talk. Speak. Say whatever just to break that silence. The point of this story isnt to highlight Thangs theory, but to show my kryptonite. Silence to me is like bullets to people. It just kills. People didnt stop laughing because Thang was right but because I got nervous and started rambling. For a minute, I lost myself.

I hate to be boring around the girls I like. I hate to be out of things to say. I hate to feel useless. I'm not sure if its my fault or not though. Conversations require two people right. What am I to do when she stops talking, when she shuts me out. Is it because we dont work together? I know I'm better than this. I know I can show you a good time. This makes me wonder if I was ever boring with my ex. Its hard to tell there because in relationships, silence is usually filled with kissing. So back to current news, what do I do when she gives me silence. I get annoying and I get belligerent. Theres always a flurry of "what are you thinking of" "Are you tired" BLAH BLAH BLAH. FUCK!@$##$@# I am an idiot. I am very awkward when devoid of speech. There was this time when she didnt say anything for a good ten-fifteen minutes and I got so desperate for something to say...so desperate I was actually going to say "so...Obama. How about that?"........... god, I am a loser.

I am lost in silence. I am lost when I cant show someone a good time. I am lost when I feel insignificant. I lose myself in my own insecurities. I'm awkward.