Here of some thoughts of the past week.
Life, for future reference
When people ask me what my major is, i tell them english. I tell them i want to be a teacher. Its weird though, i hesitate each and every time. As like every college student i know, i am really unsure about my life and the choices i have made and will make. I really dont know if English is the right choice for me. I have taken several english classes and i didnt have too much interest in them. i think that is incredibly bad and depressing. I am pretty sure i still want to be a teacher, there is just this feeling in me that draws me to that profession. However, i dont think i will make a good teacher. I dont know to much, lets just say i am not very smart. There is just one thing that keeps me driving for this- I want to motivate. I want to teach because i want to motivate people to learn, to write, to be all they can be, to live. I hate to see people waste their lives. I want to be that guy that kids can talk to when they need help, i want to be that guy that inspires kids to succeed. I want to be a teacher, yet the teaching part scares me. What if i cant get through to them, what if i suck. Honestly, how the fuck am i going to teach English if i cant even speak it right. I cant even pronounce "th." That worries me everyday of my life. I just have so much uncertainty and doubt. People tell me i am lucky because i know what i want to do with my life, but i dont know... I have decided though, that i will pick something and stick with it because i dont want to waste time in search of something else, something that i might not ever find.
I am going to do it. Even with the sea of uncertanties wading all around, i am still going for it. I am going to teach... for the future. for the kids. for myself. and hopefully for the better.
Mom
I have kind of been a dick to my mom in the last few days. I dont intentionally do it, it just happens. Its just that she has been nagging me a lot , a lot lately and i just cant stand being nagged. So when she asks me questions and stuff, i just grunt. I dont know why i do this. I am sorry mom. Its... just... i reallydont know whats wrong. I promise though, this weekend, i will start to make things better. I promise.
Open Door, Tradition versus Modernization
This has been something i have always been interested in, Tradition versus modernization. I always debate in my head which one i support more and i have yet to find a solution. Each side is very appealing in its own way. Tradition is something that ignites cultural pride and gives identity. We are nothing without our ancentors. I watch films and read about chinese heroes such as Wong Fei Hong and Huo Yuanjia(its funny how Jet Li plays both characters), and
just feel so much pride. They gave their lives defending their tradition, their people, and their way of life. When the imperialists nations of the west came, chinese brethren banded together to ward off their influences. China wanted to keep the west out to preserve China, to preserve the past. Modernization is practical. As Darwin theorizes, survival of the fittest. We must evolve to survive. As of today, China is one of the top (if not the top) nation in the world. In the past four decades, they have shifted from third world country to superpower. China owned the olympics. They have skyscrapers popping up every day and their economy is
booming. It hurts to say, but this happened because they embraced
the future. So because of this, i really dont know
where i stand on this issue. Was Wong Fei Hong and the Boxers right trying to keep the West out? Trying to close the door the west pried open? If China kept their doors closed, it would be a primitive backwards country, no different from those starving third world country you see on t.v. Yet, their fight (although an evitably losing one) could have kept the ideas of tradition stored in the back of every chinese persons mind. We are not completely apart from the past though. My family and many other chinese families still have some ancestral culture. Their fight was noble and courageous, but in the end, would keeping the west out been beneficial?
i am a chinese american. nonetheless.
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